Psychic medium with all the clairs.

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Table of Contents

Introduction 4

Chapter One 6

What’s Stopping You From Being Assertive?

Chapter Two 15

Assertiveness in the Work Place:

Don’t Confuse Assertiveness With Aggressiveness!

Chapter Three 24

Assertiveness at Home:

Teach People How to Treat You!

Chapter Four 31

Teach Your Children to Be Assertive:

Create Confident Offsprings

Chapter Five 38

Assertiveness Training for the Non-Assertive

Bonus 1 50

How to Assertively Ask for a Raise

Bonus 2 54

Questions and Answers

INTRODUCTION

“If we value independence, if we are disturbed by the growing conformity of knowledge, of values, of attitudes, which our present system induces, then we may wish to set up conditions of learning which make for uniqueness, for self- direction, and for self-initiated learning.” - Carl Rogers Assertiveness is considered an important communication skill that relates to respect for personal rights and boundaries with the intention to establish healthy and lasting relationships. An assertive person speaks his own mind to influence others while being respectful of the personal boundaries of others. Likewise, he protects himself against those who would cross over his own line. Assertiveness requires direct, open, and honest communication between people. This can be between you and an associate, a friend, or a spouse. This kind of open communication will make everyone feel better about themselves and each other. More importantly, it will help develop and maintain healthy relationships with friends, loved ones, and co-workers. To develop and have healthy relationships, you need to develop communication skills, which includes being comfortable in expressing what you really need and want. This being a two-way process, you need to learn to listen to the wants and needs of others.

Up until recently, there were no seminars on how to become assertive. Most of the time, we depended on various personal or celebrity role models to lead us how to live our own lives. Well, it is no wonder that everyone is still searching for happiness, pursuing fulfillment, and going after unrealistic goals. No one has showed us how to live our lives the right way and some of our role models do not have any clue either. Like us, no one taught them. They just relied on what they know on how to do things. Maya Angelou said, “You did what you knew how to do and when you knew better, you did better.” Fortunately for us all, not everyone is wandering around oblivious and ignorant about what to do. At last, there is new information available to help everyone learn more and live better. No one wants to live a cookie cutter existence. We all want a life that is fulfilling, exciting, and satisfying. Are you tired of waking up and thinking, “Is this all there is?” This report is for you. Now is the best time to get excited about your life! It is time to assert yourself and get what you want out of life. This is your life and not a dress rehearsal! It is time to learn new skills on how to do better. It is time to learn how to be more assertive.

Chapter One

What’s Stopping You From Becoming Assertive?

“Assertiveness is not what you do, it’s who you are!” - Shakti Gawain There is a huge difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Being assertive is a way of living where you get the most out of life without other people telling you how to do it. This simple means: You do not need to be obnoxious, pushy, or rude to get it your own way.

You cannot just jump in with both feet and decide, “Hey, I’m going to be assertive and no one will be pushing me around anymore. No more Mr. Nice Guy!” Learning how to be assertive requires a new mindset and plan. Remember, you want to learn to be assertive, not aggressive. So ask yourself these questions:

1. What do I value most?

2. What are my beliefs about how life works?

3. How do I feel about myself?

4. What are my approaches to life? Do these approaches work? The fact that you purchased this report says a lot. It says you are seeking for improvements in life. Change starts with awareness. You are aware that you need to change; you just do not know how to get started. It is time to learn why you do what you are doing and how to turn that around. Remember, you cannot just flip a switch and instantly become assertive and successful in life. Mark Twain said, “We do not deal much in facts when we are contemplating ourselves.” In order to learn how to become assertive and be in charge of your own life, you must be honest with yourself. Dr. Phil is always saying that you cannot change what you do not acknowledge. It is time to figure out what you are hiding from yourself.

• Do you consistently fail when it comes to attaining your goals in life?

• Are you just drifting along with no plan, goals, and idea?

• Are you stuck in a comfort zone that gives you no new challenges?

• Are you getting too little of what you really want and way too much of what you do not want?

• Are you living with guilt or frustration and do not know how to change things?

What is at stake here is the quality of your life. Do you want to live it fully and authentically? Or are you okay with someone else calling the shots and making decisions for you for the rest of your life? Do you feel like you are constantly being pushed around? Do you feel like you are being taken advantage of? Do other people try to run your life? Do you feel that you are ready to start living life in your own terms? You need not accept burdens like those listed above. You can assert yourself and reach for something better. You have the right and the ability to have what you want out of life. Let me warn you though, change does not come in an instant.

Assertiveness is something that must be learned carefully one step at a time. This is especially true if you have spent years following others telling you what to do, how to do it, what to think, what to feel, etc. How motivated are you to change and learn to assert yourself?

Think about those people who run our world. Whether it is business, politics, sports, or entertainment, there is one common denominator for all these people. These people know which buttons to push to get what they want. Some of these people are extremely intelligent and articulate, while others are merely manipulative. Some are unconcerned whether you agree with them and share their views. Others are rabid in demanding that you fall in line with them. They feel that they know best and this gives them the authority to tell everyone what they should be doing and saying. It is their way or the highway. Be aware that there are risks involved in learning how to be assertive. You will find that many will not agree with you. In fact, you will meet people who are skeptical and pessimistic. They will always argue and try to prove you wrong. Let us continue with your assessment in life by acknowledging what is wrong in your life. Are you guilty of saying these things to yourself?

• I’m really trying but you know, it’s just so hard!

• I guess it could have been much worse.

• It’s not what I wanted, but what am I going to do?

• Sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

• We’re doing okay, I guess.

Are you making lots of excuses, like:

• It was harder than I expected, I just couldn’t do it.

• Maybe I was expecting too much.

• I have too much going on in my life to handle any of this right now.

• I’ll tackle that as soon as I have the time and resources.

• I guess what I wanted isn’t meant for me.

• Maybe it’s not in the cards. It’s not my destiny.

• I never seem to get the right break.

It is time to stop whining about bad luck, wrong timing, or how things just never seem to work out for you! Stop hosting pity parties! Realize that the deck is not stacked against you! Stop making excuses! It is time to learn to assert yourself and get what you really, really want!

Okay, let us get down to basics. What exactly are you afraid of? That is easy. People share a universal fear of rejection. The very thought of being rejected can turn the strongest man or woman into a quivering coward. What does everyone crave for in life? This one is also easy. We all crave for acceptance. We feel lost if we are not accepted. We feel left out, excluded, and ostracized. Acceptance is everything.

We learn about acceptance from infancy. Children will go to any lengths; even do things they dislike just to gain the acceptance of their parents, friends, or teachers. It continues throughout our lives as we grow. Paul Landres gives us an example of a mindset of an assertive person when he said, “And is the price for your acceptance for me to conform? To be as you would want me to be? You must accept me as I am.” So accepted or not and rejected or not, you have your own destiny to create. You can make it happy or sad, good or bad, successful or not. Your life is your own and ultimately, you are responsible for how it turns out. There may be road bumps along the way and not everything will turn out according to your plan. You may have to adjust your road map and come up with a Plan B or even a Plan C. In the end, learning how to be assertive will help you win and get what you want.

Without assertiveness, you will lose control of your life and find yourself living someone else’s idea of what life should be. If you shy away from being accountable and taking charge of your own life, someone will step forward to claim responsibility for it. This could be a parent, spouse, or in the case of an elderly person, maybe one of their own children. If you never master the ability to assert yourself, make your own decisions, and live your own life, someone will surely step forward and do it for you. Is that what you want? Asserting yourself also does not mean blaming others for your decisions.

“My husband left me with nothing when he died, so it’s not my fault that I’ll have to live with my children for the rest of my life.” Rather than take the responsibility for your own decisions, you choose to volunteer for victim-hood and blame someone else.

Asserting yourself and taking full responsibility is scary and risky for anyone. “What if I assert myself and try to create my own destiny and it doesn’t work out? Then, what will I do?” It is normal to be a little fearful because it is part of human nature. Keep in mind that all decisions have consequences. As you learn to be assertive, you also learn to trust your self when making decisions. Your thoughts influence your world. “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so,” said William Shakespeare. To think is to create. Your thoughts create your reality. Your thoughts influence your actions and behavior. A change in your thoughts leads to a change in behavior and eventually in your world. What do you tell yourself? Do these negative statements sound familiar?

• I’m just not smart enough.

• I’ve never succeeded before, why would now be any different?

• People refuse to listen to women like me.

• People make up their minds and there’s nothing I can do about it.

• I’m too young or too old.

Start by choosing to learn how to be more assertive starting today. With this, you will need a well thought out plan. There will be days when you wonder if you can sustain and follow through your plan. Wouldn’t it be easier to just throw in the towel and be done with it?

If you find yourself in this position, remind yourself of the benefits you will enjoy when you become assertive. Keeping the benefits in mind will help in sustaining your new and assertive behavior.

Others may be in a difficult situation. This is especially true of the elderly. It is hard for them to persevere, especially when the children try to control their lives and make decisions for them.

There are many variables here. Each person must evaluate and decide what is important and what isn’t. Being assertive means choosing for yourself where you want to be and with whom. It means choosing what to do, what to say, and what to believe.

What is keeping you from being more assertive? What keeps you from making your own decisions? Are you afraid you won’t be any good at it? Are you secretly afraid that you will be so good at it that your entire life will change? St. Paul said, “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”

Assertiveness is a learned behavior. Probably, it was not taught to you as you were growing up. Unknowingly, you developed certain behavioral patterns that do not support assertiveness. You fall into a trap where you constantly wonder why your life is not what you wanted.

The definition of insanity is doing the same things in the same way, but expecting different outcomes. If you have never done so before, learning to assert yourself produces a change in how you handle yourself. Assert yourself by doing things in different ways and produce a different outcome. Presto, you have asserted yourself and changed your life! Learn this important lesson from Dr. Phil McGraw when he said, “If you continue to do what you’ve always done, you will continue to have what you’ve always had. If you do different, you will have different.”

Unfortunately, some of the behavioral patterns that you learned in life become automatic. You do not even think about your response anymore. You do not allow yourself to evaluate the cause and effect of this behavior; you are just flying on autopilot. It may seem easier to let go and not think about the consequences. In the end, you will realize that certain behavior patterns will not continue to work for you.

By remaining static and not changing the pattern of behavior, you repeat the old patterns repeatedly. It is important to stop, think, and re-evaluate whether a learned behavior is really working for you or has become another crutch to keep you in homeostasis.

There is a reason why you keep getting stuck and unable to move forward. When you continue to repeat a bad pattern repeatedly, you are doing it for a reason. You must find the reason in order to change the behavior. Change the behavior in order to change your life for the better. Some people seem to be at the mercy of others, unable to make their own decisions, or are not in charge of their own lives. They let others push them around by telling them what to do. The sad part is that they have allowed this to happen for several years. Some of these folks may never find their own way, while others may just snap one day and tell everyone off. This kind of abrupt behavioral change leaves everyone puzzled and leads to destroyed relationships and damaged friendships.

When you decide to be assertive, you must also realize that this learned behavior must be reinforced every day. Assertiveness is not a cure-all for all your ill feelings. It is a way of managing your life.

The University of Illinois Counseling Center says, “Asserting yourself will not necessarily guarantee you happiness or fair treatment by others, nor will it solve all your personal problems or guarantee that others will be assertive and not aggressive. Just because you assert yourself does not mean you will always get what you want; however, lack of assertiveness is most certainly one of the reasons why conflicts occur in relationships.”

Reciprocity works along with assertiveness, too. Choosing to make your own decisions does not require you to damage another person. Being assertive does not give you the permission to push another aside, take over another’s life, or make decisions for them.

Assertiveness is about you and your own life. It is all about your decisions and the consequences. Remember, you get what you give. How you treat others relates to Karma, which simply states that everything that goes around comes around. Let us correct a misconception here. Assertiveness is all about getting what you want AND building lasting relationship with people around you.

Assertiveness works fine when used with diplomacy. You can assert yourself without hurting others’ feelings. In fact, the real essence of assertiveness is this: As you get what you want in life, you gain the support of people who would like to see you succeed.

Chapter Two

Assertiveness in the Work Place:

Don’t Confuse Assertiveness with

Aggressiveness!

“The basic difference between being assertive and aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others.” - Sharon Anthony Bower

Oprah Winfrey calls it “the disease to please”. Nowhere, except a woman’s world, does it run more rampant than in the workplace. There is a special pressure in the workplace from your boss, supervisor, associates and co- workers. Everyone is extremely busy these days. This disease seems to attack women more frequently, but men can be affected by it too. Assertiveness should not be confused with aggressiveness. A fine line divides these two behaviors. Being aggressive means selfishly pushing for what you want at the expense of other people. In doing so, you generate a host of negative behaviors that make people become angry and vengeful towards you. It may involve hostility, blaming, threats, gossip, and unreasonable demands. Aggressiveness may allow you to achieve your immediate objective, but it also guarantees that you will not have what you want the next time. On the other hand, assertiveness means standing up for your rights while respecting the rights of others. Being assertive means appropriate expression of your feelings, needs, and opinions while respecting the feelings of others. It is communicating what you really want in a clear way while ensuring that you are not being taken advantage of.

Let us say your boss asks you to do a special favor for him. Now here is the problem: that little favor is beyond your job description. In fact, it is within the scope of his duty as the Boss. Now you have a dilemma. Do you say “no” because it is not your responsibility to do his job, thereby run the risk of incurring his ire? Or do you say yes just to avoid making him angry? After all, you need this job desperately considering the mountains of bills that you have to pay monthly; thus, you really can’t afford to make him angry. On the other hand, you know very well that if you do his job the first time, it is most likely that he will be asking you to do things that he should be doing himself. This will eventually develop into a pattern. You do it this time and he will just keep on turning over his responsibilities to you. Before you knew it, a habit is formed and you are stuck. If previously you gave in to some of his requests, saying “no” now would make him mad at you. After all, you have been doing it before, why not do it again this time?

So, what is the answer? Be assertive right at the beginning and in all instances until the Boss realizes that you cannot be pushed around. You do not need to get nasty or abusive with him. In fact, you will probably lose your job if you do!

Be assertive right at the beginning when he asks you to take over some project that he should be doing. You could tell him, “I’d love to help you out, but I’m just swamped with my own work already. I couldn’t possibly do justice to your project that it rightfully deserves.”

Go ahead and check the language used above and you will find out that you have not directly said no to him or embarrassed him, so he cannot be too angry with you. You have acknowledged that his project is worthy of attention, but gently nudged him into remembering that it is his project and that it is his duty to finish it, not yours.

What you have done here is set a precedence that he will remember. You did not blindly just say yes to avoid his anger. He is the Boss and would have taken advantage of your skills many times in the future. For example, every time he has a project that he did not want to tackle himself, he will just pass it on to you. Now he knows he cannot just dump his duties on your lap all the time. You may have to repeat this action a couple more times before he gets the message. The same scenario should work with co-workers who try to pass on the jobs they do not want to do. This trick is used mercilessly on newcomers in the office. Newcomers try so hard to please everyone that they get stuck with all the less desirable tasks and find themselves with very little time to accomplish the duties they were actually hired to perform.

Why do people continue to say “yes” when they want to say “no”? There are many reasons actually. One reason is that they want people to like them. They are afraid that if they say “no”, they will have no friends at all. They are also afraid that the boss will use their refusal as a ground for insubordination, and thereby dismiss them.

One reason why people are continually doing this is that they want to be known as the “go-to” person. They want to develop a good reputation and be known as dependable and can always accomplish the task. It makes them feel wanted, needed, and more valuable to the organization. If you want something accomplished, just take it to these “go-to” persons and consider it already done! It makes them feel good when they feel like you cannot do without them. After all, if everyone needs them, then their job must be secure, right? Unfortunately, this inability to say “no” can work to your detriment. It causes a build up of stress hormones, such as adrenaline. As a result, your heart will beat faster than its normal pace, your blood pressure rises, and blood vessels become narrow. According to doctors, these conditions can increase your risk of heart attack, stroke, and even cancer. Saying “yes” to others all the time could put you in an early grave!

In the early days of man, these stress hormones could literally save lives. During the pre-historic times, people lived in a ‘fight or flight’ world. It is either they hunt or be hunted. Adrenaline saved them from danger. Nowadays, danger is present in the way you eat and in the lifestyle you live. Many become couch potatoes and worry constantly. The stress you experience these days is different but just as deadly. Therefore, the answer is to stop being a doormat and learn to say “no” more often. I can almost hear your gasps and objections to that statement. I anticipate your reactions: “Wait a minute, you do not know the situation I am in” or “You just do not know how to be unemployed”.

You might be afraid to say “no”, but sometimes it is necessary. For starters, those people who already like you are not going to stop liking you just because you said “no”. Those who behave in a grumpy manner were like that long before you told them so.

Okay, so you mustered all your courage and said “no”, but now you feel guilty for doing so. How do you handle that? You probably feel like you let them down. Guilt is not necessary here; it is a useless emotion. Stop and think about how you really feel when they ask you to do them a favor. Did you say “yes” then feel resentful about it? If that is the case, now you have a cue that when this situation happens again, say “no” right away. Do not make up excuses that you both know are lies. It will make you guilty for saying something deceitful and wrong. You could tell them that:

• You’re right in the middle of some projects and simply don’t have the time.

• You’d rather tell them “no” than only be able to give it a fraction of your attention.

• You’re really not the best person for that job.

• Your calendar is full right now and you can’t take on any more tasks. If they surprised you with the request and you do not know what to say, ask them to give you some time to think about it and consult your calendar. Many times, they will ask you without warning, hoping you will just say “yes” right away. Learn to always give yourself a little wiggle room or flexibility. When you do decide to inform them of your negative decision, say it right off the bat, so they understand they cannot talk you into a “yes”. Being definite about your response at the soonest possible time will make them respect you more and cause fewer hurt feelings later.

Somehow, we have been led to believe that it is hurtful to say “no”. You have been taught that you have to be nice to everyone and say “yes” even when you don’t want to. This is especially true for women. Think of it this way: Is the other person’s time more valuable than your own? Is it necessary to bend over backwards to avoid saying “no” and just take in everything at your expense? Think of the consequences. Eventually, you will find yourself gradually building resentment towards the person making the request. Everything he asks you to do becomes another nail in the coffin! It is actually better for you to say “no” to everyone involved and save a working relationship, not to mention your own nerves and stress level. Keep in mind that the more often you say “yes” the more often they will ask you for more favors. Therefore, you should only say “yes” if it is something that you truly would like to do for them. You can say “yes” if it is something that you can conveniently fit into your schedule without causing any wear and tear on your nerves. People are basically good and you would like to help people whenever you can, but so many “yeses” can turn into more than you can handle. You have heard the phrase, “No good deed goes unpunished.”

Recognize that there are limits to everyone’s time and energy. The disease to please somehow convinces you that you can fit more in each day than anyone else. You will discover this reality when you realize you do not have time to do more than a shoddy job. You will discover this truth when you begin to feel overwhelmed and realize that your commitments are way past your own personal limits. It is simply better for all involved if you just say “no” at the beginning. By telling them right away, they have a chance to find someone else who can help them.

Remember, they have the right to ask a favor, but you also have the right to say “no”. Do not give up your rights just because you want them to like you. They will respect you more if they see you know how to handle things properly and without overtaxing yourself or stressing others out. You may have decided that asserting yourself is a good idea, but do not know how to apply it in scenarios involving confrontations. Confrontation involves getting in the other person’s face and not taking into consideration their feelings. You probably would not want to hurt other persons’ feelings, right? So what do you do? Many people avoid confrontation altogether, which is not always a good idea. Sometimes, it is easier to approach the person as gently as possible, say what you have to say and get it over with. Approaching the issue with assertion and without anger is always best. This is true even if you feel you are the aggrieved party and need to defend yourself. Many people use this as a last resort when all else failed. It is important to simply lay out the problem, enumerate what you think needs to be resolved, and find a compromise by which everyone gets what they need. One way to bring this about is not to approach confrontation in a heated manner. This needs to be well thought out in advance. Have a plan. You should have everything you feel and want to say planned out in your mind or written down on paper as reference during the discussion. Be prepared and ready to face the consequences when this confrontation is over. It could be the end of your job or a friendship.

Again, you have the right to assert yourself. This is your life and your workplace. It should not be a place where you dread going to each day. Everyone needs to have personal standards for how they treat themselves and how

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